Uh, so, lately (as in, the last year or so), I've been hearing a lot about how ideal a couple John and I are. I won't refute that; it's my right as a newlywed (ha!). But every time I hear it, I really want to share the influences and advice that got me to a place where I was ready to accept that type of ideal relationship - because it's not like we were plopped down by fate in the same room, and always get along beautifully because we are Made For Each Other.

Mostly I wanted to post about this, right now, because I've been watching clips of Dan Savage on YouTube, and this first video sums up my first (and main) "lesson" very nicely:



It's all about choices. John and I both have very strong ideas of who we are, but we're also very willing to compromise. When faced with a potential conflict, I always ask myself, is this worth fighting for? Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But I do always have two people to consider now, for every choice that I make.

I'll give you an example, although Dan's story about leaving the sandwich ingredients out on the counter is one that resonates pretty strongly with me. John leaves his dirty laundry all over the apartment. Every day, there are new dirty socks to pick up. There's underwear stuck under the bathroom door. I trip over his pants on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. When we first moved in together, this drove me completely crazy. I nagged him about it. There would be a mountain of dirty socks in the living room, and he would complain about not having any for work in the morning. I had several loud meltdowns about it. But, eventually (in under six months, actually), I realized that if I was the one who cared that his socks were strewn all over the floor, then I needed to be the one who cleaned them up. Now it's become a non-issue for us, because I'm happier if the apartment is clean, regardless of who cleans it, and John always thanks me for doing his laundry.

Next we have Dr. Perry Cox giving his relationship speech:



I know, I know, taking relationship advice from Scrubs is like - well, taking relationship advice from Heinlein novels (oh, yeah, just you wait). But when relationships on Scrubs fail, it's either because the two people genuinely aren't right for one another, or because one of them is being too stubborn to keep the relationship going. Examples: J.D. and Elliot being so on-again-off-again, and the Turkletons' first year of marriage. And as a follow-up to Dr. Cox's speech, at the end of second season, Dr. Cox is ready to throw in the towel on Jordan, but Jordan gives her own speech:

I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry. Because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now! One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other person's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-size pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller! Well, guess what? Things are different now. We have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise that you're coming home with me.

Which is to say, sometimes the relationship has to come before your own stupid pride. And sometimes it doesn't. But you've got to be honest about the things you actually need to be happy, and the things you can do without.

(If you want me to get really stereotypical and pop-culture-y about it, I could also bring in my Sex and the City examples of these same lessons... but I won't. Unless someone asks.)

The last piece of advice that I have, learned in part from Heinlein and in part from planning a wedding: It's your relationship, not theirs. If it's the difference between living happily together or not, then don't listen to anyone - family members, neighbors, friends, church members, coworkers, strangers on the internet, self-help books, whatever. Find what works for you, and the life you want to be living, and do that, no matter how unconventional. You don't even have to tell anyone how bizarre your home life is; just pull the shades and do what makes you happy.


So, this is what works for us. Again, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have found someone that sees this stuff more or less as I do, especially at so young an age, and I do appreciate being on people's lists of admired couples. As some of you well know, I haven't always been so lucky, or so willing to make a relationship work. For all the moping I've done.